To You – 24th November 2018

I hope you love me for who I am now and who I will be in the future. Change is inevitable. I will grow up and shape into the caricature of a woman slowly. If you still love me then I will never look back at those small arguments and disagreements.

When you are in pain and you feel like the whole world is crashing. Let me protect you. Let me embrace you so we both can get hurt in the process and the pain is shared. I will never understand your struggles or you in general but I want to emphasise and be with you. When you are 90 and you look back at our past, happiness should flood you.

In the process of loving you, I have grown up and in the process of growing up I have started loving you more.

When me meet it will be summer and the sun will be the witness to our love.

Flip

I used to enjoy flipping pages of a book when I was 15 or 16. I remember being addicted to buying books. The genre didn’t matter. Neither did the cover of the book. It was the first few pages that did.

I am a very judgemental person. Everyday I look at people around me and wonder what they must be thinking about me. Can they notice my imperfections? My voice- is that annoying? My stomach grumbles were obvious, weren’t they? They are touching each other so much in the public, get a room.

Yeah, I admit. I judge people. The reason being that it is out of my control. It’s difficult for me to look at something or someone and not think about it/her/him.

This blog will end here. Don’t judge me or I will judge you 😊

What do I want?

What do I want?

Have you ever asked yourself what do you want in life? I often ask myself that question. I believe that everyone has their own inner desire. Some people want money, some people want happiness, some people want peace,some people want love and others just want to live. I believe that I want the ability to be who I want be. The only resource that can give you the ability to be who you want to be is money. Money is so powerful. It is so powerful that we have no idea.

Since I have grown-up in luxury. Growing up I barely had any idea about the real world. My parents have always given me the best they could. I think that’s the reason why I am biased. That is the reason I see myself as a rich person in future. Someone who is rich not only in knowledge but also in real life. People think that being rich won’t make them happy. I think quite the opposite. Of course money can’t make us happy but it can give us access to the resources needed to be happy. Of course with a lot of money comes a lot of responsibilities. However, it’s not the responsibilities that makes rich people feel miserable. I have read several articles about richest of the rich and most of them suffer from innate loneliness. This feeling of dejection and isolation comes from the people around them. The ones that change seeing someone succeed more than them.

When one is rich and powerful, it doesn’t give them the right to underperform. It should instead inspire them to do their best. Often this is also the reason for feeling dejected. A college student who becomes a millionaire shouldn’t drop out or give up their studies. I don’t understand the youth these days. You should aim to study and good grades regardless of being rich or not. It is a right you have and why should you deprive yourself of that right?

Getting admission in a popular university is not the end of your dreams. Getting a good degree out of it is. People often think the end goal of a degree is getting a job. Surely it is one of the several reasons why people enrol in undergraduate and graduate degrees. However, the primary goal should be attaining knowledge and experience.

Sometimes I study certain topics at university which I could have studied by myself in my home. However, university gives me a chance to collaborate and talk to professionals. It also gives me a chance to showcase my talents and learn from those who have experience in it.

Whether your aim is to be rich in life or knowledge, you shouldn’t lose your inner self while getting there.

My Heart Hurts

It doesn’t take someone even a minute to be kind yet all these people around me make me feel so bad.

I feel like I am in this loophole and all of this is a mistake. This entire thing. I don’t even know right now what I am typing.

I think I have wanted for friendship for too long and now I am just getting sick and tired of my heart hurting thinking about every time someone whom I considered my friend, hurt me.

I want to leave. Leave this mess. Leave everything I have done so far and run away and yet I am stuck in this place. I have to wake up every morning only to be upset that I am breathing.

Haven’t Slept

I haven’t slept since 12 midnight and I have a lot of questions on my mind.

Today I have a lot of classes starting from 9 am to 6pm with only 2 hours of break.

It isn’t a bad thing. I enjoy going to lectures, tutorials, workshops and practicals. I enjoy learning. Somehow it makes me feel really energised. I guess I am driven by the fact that I have to do well in my exams. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. The only issue is that it has completely messed up my sleep cycle.

Yesterday, I woke up at 4 am and started working on an assignment. Today, I couldn’t do the same. Even though I was awake. I felt internally sick while trying to switch on my laptop and do the work.

Yesterday I also did something unusual.

I went to the library to study. Yes I finally did it. I mostly hate studying alone in the library because I feel anxious for some reason. However I gathered my courage and sat down to do my assignments.

The changes are slow but they are happening and it makes me happy to see where I have reached.

Australian 1st Year University Experience – Making Friends

Australian 1st Year University Experience – Making Friends

My friend and I were talking about caste system and reservation back in India. We know it is wrong. We do admit it. However every side of the coin has two sides.

I noticed how back in India, often people would ask me if I am a Brahmin since my surname is Roy. People whom I had just met that day would ask me such question. It was weird to me that someone would pry so much into someone else’s life even though they barely know them.

You know in India you suddenly become friends with someone. I mean for example, once I was sharing a room in the dorm with another girl who was also from my hometown. That’s all I knew about her. That she was from my hometown. Suddenly we became close friends. We didn’t need to know much about each other.

However in Australia, I have found it is quite difficult to make friends.

For example, I have several people I know from my tutorials whom I talk to on a regular basis however they still wouldn’t consider me as their friend. Not all are Australians. Most of them are international students. Nevertheless, it is even more difficult to converse with other international students.

Sometimes it is the language barrier. Specially with first year international students, some of them can write in English really well but they can’t speak English that well. It feels like they don’t want to even try talking to me.

The majority of the friends I have are from my university accommodation. I met them during the first few weeks. To be honest I feel bad calling them friends since I barely know about them other than their major or a bit about their daily life.

I look at other students around me and I feel really guilty of not making as many friends as they have.

They all seem to be hanging out, enjoying life and doing activities together. However, I am barely going out. Barely doing anything.

All day and everyday I just stay in my room. Nobody calls me up until and unless they need my help with their ASSIGNMENTS. Suddenly during the deadline period everyone becomes my friend. They sugarcoat everything so that I help them.

Regardless of this, I am waiting to find out what my life will be like in future.

Loneliness

I had cold the other day and one of my new friend was kind enough to give me some medicines since I had none. It was a small gesture to others but to me it meant a lot.

Honestly,  it made me think.

I have been in Adelaide for few months now. Initially when I came here I met a lot of people. It was orientation week. I made friends. I acquainted myself with some residents living in the student hall. It was fine. I wasn’t particularly lonely.

It was fine till I hit the one and a half month of staying mark. This is the phase where you get somewhat settled into your new place and get used to your daily routine. My main focus was studies and still is. I need to maintain good grades not just because of my scholarship but also because of my pride. Yet somewhat back in my mind, the idea of finding someone at university was lurking. I swear I don’t remember who was the one who told me we meet our soulmates at university.

I went out. I went to parties. I went to events. I met people but not the special one. Whenever I felt like I met someone who makes me comfortable. They would vanish away. My anxiety wasn’t having any of this.

“Did I say something offensive?”

“Did I do something wrong?”

“Why aren’t people attracted to me?”

“Am I that ugly?”

I love consolidating myself. Yet somehow the consolidations fell through. I began to feel “LONELY”.

The fact that I had already started to see couples around me worsen my feelings. It made me feel like I wasn’t worthy of anyone. At this point in my life I was convinced I would be happy even if I only had a friend.

Now at this point in my life, I have started to accept (still haven’t accepted fully) the fact that I am lucky to have four precious friends in Adelaide who are there for me.

A part of me wants to find someone who would resonate with me and another part of me has just accepted this fate. It almost seems like a better life is awaiting me and hence everything around me has paused. So I am trying to remain positive in this situation.